Tuesday, April 21, 2015

20 Life Lessons I Learned From Playing Video Games

  • Most problems in life can be dealt with by stomping on them.
  • If you see a random pork chop or drumstick lying in the street, you should eat it -- you'll feel better.
  • Ninjas and prize fighters frequently brawled in public streets during the 1980s.
  • When many are joined together, they tend to flicker.
  • Any lunatic could conquer the world if they would just remove one platform.
  • Shouting the right Japanese words lets you throw freakin' fireballs from your hands!
  • There's something about water currents which causes caves to form behind every waterfall.
  • If text scrolls super-slow, it means it's super-important.
  • All alien life-forms reproduce asexually. This explains their apparently limitless supply.
  • Plumbing can double as an excellent mode of public transportation.
  • Racoons can fly. Or something.
  • Corrugated cardboard is an extremely cost-effective way to bypass most security systems.
  • If at first you don't succeed, try blowing the dust off the connectors.
  • If it's not a mutated life form, it's not very high in the enemy's hierarchy.
  • Condiments are a sure-fire way to defend yourself against overly aggressive meat products.
  • The profession of plumbing was originally invented to combat monstrous barrel-tossing gorillas.
  • Most kids under age 15 are possessed. Or at least really creepy.
  • Anyone who wears more than four colors at once is just showing off.
  • Women are far better at personal combat than men. This is clearly evidenced by their apparent lack of need for armor. Or clothing.
  • That @**hole ain't dead 'til the music stops playing.

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