20 Life Lessons I Learned From Playing Video Games

• Most problems in life can be dealt with by stomping on them.
  
• If you see a random pork chop or drumstick lying in the street, you should eat it -- you'll feel better.
• Ninjas and prize fighters frequently brawled in public streets during the 1980s.
• When many are joined together, they tend to flicker.
• Any lunatic could conquer the world if they would just remove one platform.
• Shouting the right Japanese words lets you throw freakin' fireballs from your hands!
• There's something about water currents which causes caves to form behind every waterfall.
• If text scrolls super-slow, it means it's super-important.
• All alien life-forms reproduce asexually. This explains their apparently limitless supply.
• Plumbing can double as an excellent mode of public transportation.
• Racoons can fly. Or something.
• Corrugated cardboard is an extremely cost-effective way to bypass most security systems.
• If at first you don't succeed, try blowing the dust off the connectors.
• If it's not a mutated life form, it's not very high in the enemy's hierarchy.
  
• Condiments are a sure-fire way to defend yourself against overly aggressive meat products.
• The profession of plumbing was originally invented to combat monstrous barrel-tossing gorillas.
• Most kids under age 15 are possessed. Or at least really creepy.
• Anyone who wears more than four colors at once is just showing off.
• Women are far better at personal combat than men. This is clearly evidenced by their apparent lack of need for armor. Or clothing.
• That @**hole ain't dead 'til the music stops playing.