As the days wear on, I have become convinced something -- something! -- is going to derail my order and delay my carpet. Here are what I consider to be the Top 10 most likely reasons the retailer will provide for me not getting my carpet in a timely manner:
- My contact information on the order was wrong so they called to tell me they couldn't call to tell me the order was delayed.
- There was a mix-up with the paperwork and I somehow ended up with someone else's 1970s olive green shag pile rug meant for the floor of their Mystery Machine.
- A freak blizzard in Derka-Derkastan wilted all the pet stain-resistant carpeting there, so my carpet suddenly became worth its weight in gold and the entire stock was sold to the Derka-Derkastanis overnight.
- <Waves hand> "These aren't the polypropylene fibers you're looking for."
- There was a nuclear explosion at the carpet factory caused by a headstrong, aspirational young technician experimenting with creating seven-twirl carpet fibers instead of the usual six.
- The Lobster People from Planet Neptune used the distribution warehouse as the staging zone for their eventual conquest of Earth.
- A feral herd of velociraptors used my carpet as a scratching post.
- A giant, mutant hamster decided to use my carpet as a booty call.
- ISIS suddenly decided Stainmaster carpet makes an especially sexy burkha, so they seized every carpet factory in the Western hemisphere using pickup trucks and XACTO knives.
- Global warming. You know -- global warming, man.
Master of Toons