Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The Great Carpet Swap of 2015

Mrs. Pad and I are still waiting with bated breath (she never did tell me what it is we're attempting to bait, exactly) for the new carpet to be installed throughout the house. The precise style of carpet we wanted was not in stock at the retailer, so we've had to wait up to two weeks for the big day. As Inigo Montoya said on several occasions, "I hate waiting."

As the days wear on, I have become convinced something -- something! -- is going to derail my order and delay my carpet. Here are what I consider to be the Top 10 most likely reasons the retailer will provide for me not getting my carpet in a timely manner:

  1. My contact information on the order was wrong so they called to tell me they couldn't call to tell me the order was delayed.
  2. There was a mix-up with the paperwork and I somehow ended up with someone else's 1970s olive green shag pile rug meant for the floor of their Mystery Machine.
  3. A freak blizzard in Derka-Derkastan wilted all the pet stain-resistant carpeting there, so my carpet suddenly became worth its weight in gold and the entire stock was sold to the Derka-Derkastanis overnight. 
  4. <Waves hand> "These aren't the polypropylene fibers you're looking for."
  5.  There was a nuclear explosion at the carpet factory caused by a headstrong, aspirational young technician experimenting with creating seven-twirl carpet fibers instead of the usual six.
  6. The Lobster People from Planet Neptune used the distribution warehouse as the staging zone for their eventual conquest of Earth.
  7. A feral herd of velociraptors used my carpet as a scratching post.
  8. A giant, mutant hamster decided to use my carpet as a booty call.
  9. ISIS suddenly decided Stainmaster carpet makes an especially sexy burkha, so they seized every carpet factory in the Western hemisphere using pickup trucks and XACTO knives.
  10. Global warming. You know -- global warming, man.
I would like to think none of these things will come between me and my carpet, but we shall see.

Master of Toons

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